Mahindra Roxor, Monster Fire Truck, Slammed Postal Jeep: The Dopest Cars I Found For Sale Online (2024)

What’s this? An early installment of Dopest? Clearly there must be some mistake, some happy accident behind the scenes that’s blessed you with this bounty of listings earlier in the week than you’d usually get them.

No, it’s no mistake. But you are blessed, because today’s Dopest comes to you from sunny Florida — home of the absolute weirdest automobiles you ever did see. This mail truck might not even be the weirdest of the week, honestly. It’s definitely, though, worthy of a spot among the week’s Dopest Cars.

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Here at Jalopnik, we love and respect the Mahindra Roxor. It’s a Jeeplike off-roader, sure, but it’s also a little guy. A friend. A little friend. ’Round these parts, we appreciate those.

This Roxor comes from after the little trucks got their front-end redesign, deJeepening them in only the most copyright-enforceable way: The grille. Now, it could be any two-door long-nosed 4x4 with soft plastic windows. Any of them.

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My favorite part of this truck ad is not the truck. It’s a beautiful F-100 with a fantastic paint job and some truly beautiful patina, but that’s still not enough to win my heart. No, my favorite part is the speedometer.

There’s a cricket in it. The ad just says “fossilized cricket in speedometer” like that’s normal, and then doesn’t even grace us with an image of the bug. That’s incredible. If you buy this, please don’t take the cricket out.

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Oldsmobile really won the GM A platform naming lottery here. Pontiac got the GTO, a European racing-inspired name that doesn’t really translate its acronym to English, while Chevrolet got the Chevelle — the first few letters of “Chevrolet” with a person’s name appended to the end. No, out of the three, Cutlass wins.

It’s a sword! An unrefined sword at that, wide and built for slashing. Just like the cutlass is no precise rapier, the Cutlass is more brutish and musclebound than some lightweight sport car.

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Look, I don’t think I need to sell you on the Scout line. You just look at it, look at the Scout name and the Indian heritage combined with that beautiful modern design, and you’re already sold. On this, we agree.

Really, I shouldn’t have to sell you on this Scout either. Sure, the pillion seat is a bit obtrusive, but I’m sure you can get that off. Then you’ll just be left with the tasteful brown accents on the sleek black bike. I could’ve left this slide blank, honestly.

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Florida seems to be home to plenty of older cars, which scans for a state that’s home to plenty of older people. People like the cars that were on their bedroom walls as kids, the posters they used to own, so older people keep their older cars around.

That’s convenient for us, because where else are you going to find beauties like this Fairlane 500?That curved rear window, the rear fins, the blue paint over blue interior with blue wheels — maybe the Silent Generation got something right.

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This ad, perhaps more than any other in Dopest history, buries its lede deep. You might think that’s an absurd thing to say, because you’re looking at a photo of a monster truck that is also a fire truck, but I’d tell you that you’re wrong — unless you notice a small detail in this photo.

See the word “Jet” on the side? In “Jet monster ride fire truck?” Yeah, this fire truck shoots flames. Massive, all-engulfing flames. They appear to be the length of the truck over again, which — might I remind you — is an entire fire truck. Yeah, that’s a buried lede.

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You ever wonder if Vince was so mad in the first “Fast and Furious” because he drove a Maxima? Everyone else has an FD, an S14, an R33 GT-R. Sure, okay, Jesse had his dad’s Jetta, but he’s also Jesse — the kid gets a break. Vince, though? A Maxima?

Maybe he wouldn’t have been so hard on Brian if he’d just had a car he liked more. Maybe if he’d owned a Sentra SE-R, he wouldn’t have ended up with all those lacerations to his arm. That didn’t really have anything to do with Brian, but still. Butterfly effect.

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And, speaking of “Fast and Furious,” we have a 3000GT with pink underglow. This, as the kids say, f*cks. It has anime girl stickers, comically oversized subwoofers, beat to hell paint, and an oil leak — the perfect representation of what all those ten-second cars would have actually looked like.

The anime girl, by the way, is apparently from a show called “Goblin Slayer.” I haven’t seen this show, so I can’t vouch for its quality, but at least it’s more interesting than yet another Zero Two peeker. Or Asuka Langley Soryu. I love ’em both as characters, but c’mon people. Get some creativity.

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OK, hear me out. Yes, this is a busted and moldy $5,000 RV that doesn’t run. Yes, it says “BuckWild” on the side. Yes, that is a recipe for an incredibly creepy dish. Hear me out.

A new London Aire RV, assuming the current one bears any relation to this moldy monster, starts at over $900,000. Look at the discount! Just five grand! You can’t afford not to buy it!

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In a just world, this would be the Lexus ES. We’d all be on two wheels, and this is what would serve as transportation that’s luxurious but not over the top about it. Not like a Maybach, but a Lexus fits.

The Burgman is stately, composed, comfortable, and practical. It does what it needs to do in comfort. Style is debatable.

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This is what we in the biz call “clean.” I know that the body panels may not be, but look at the fitment all around this Acura. Look at how clear the headlights are. Look at the tint, which is almost certainly too dark to be legal or feasible anywhere.

Get rid of that, though, and you’ve got a beautiful, tasteful Acura with perhaps the most plush interior of any vehicle in history. Doesn’t that look comfortable? Wouldn’t you like to just sink into those seats?

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Remember cheap trucks? This feels like it’s verging on being a classic cheap truck. Sure, $3,500is well into the four-digit range, but look at what you’re getting for that: A Comanche. You don’t see those every day.

Plus, look at what you don’t get: Rust. This is a Florida car, but seemingly not one beset by the salt air that haunts the state. This is what you get for building your state on such a narrow strip of land, Florida.

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I love the idea of a car that runs “fairly healthy,” with absolutely no detail given to justify that qualifier. Why only fairly healthy? What’s the issue? Does it need new plugs, or is there no compression on two cylinders?

I will say, I’m torn on the wheels. I should like the Turbomac style on a Miata, but something just feels slightly off here. Maybe it’s the offset, or the size, but something just isn’t meshing.

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Remember Orange County Choppers? The Pauls and their motorcycles and their yelling? Every time I see a Honda Fury, I think only of Orange County Choppers.

These really are such Crated bikes, every piece seemingly coming from art rather than engineering. Except the reflectors, but no one’s making those look good. The aftermarket will pull them off anyway.

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